”I don’t want someone who has time for me.” – Tor
No, really, i don’t.
When i first said that out loud it confused me too, but it was true… Anyone that knows me knows i’m not huge on dating, i can’t help but be picky with who i spend time with – so the concept of spending time with someone who doesn’t add any value to me life is a daunting one. But thats not what i’m here to talk about – back to the story Tori.
So, i feel it’s best to provide some context first.
Rewinding back to when i was living in LA is where the discovery began… i had started dating someone (yeah i know, say what!) but this someone had a lifestyle very different to mine. At that point in my life (i’d just quit my job & had headed to LA on a ‘self healing / self finding’ mission) so i had no commitments, no responsibilities and all the time in the world. This someone was a successful workaholic who’s life was dedicated to his craft.
When we started dating i found i quickly became frustrated over the lack of time this person was available for me, not just physically but in regards to any form of contact. Sure we spent time with each other maybe 2x a week but communication between that was pretty non-existant – i guess especially in comparison to my previous relationships. Naturally, I was quick to make the assumption, that this guy was just simply not interested. But – as i had already learnt at this point, assumptions are legit just there to make an ‘ASS out of U and ME’. Sooooo, i called him out. Asked him to be straight up because i needed to know where i stood (something i recommend we should all do way more often – because this guessing game malarky is NO good to NO one. Period.) And his response really caught me off guard.
He began by telling me that the majority of the time he was simply working his ass off, but sometimes he’d think of me – but consciously not contact me. That sometimes he’d read my message and just not reply. So i’m sure you can imagine my discomfort at this point of the conversation – Errrr what!? but i was listening, so he carried on… he explained to me that due to his hectic lifestyle there would often be times he was unavailable, not by choice, and that he wanted to remove the expectations he could see i was creating. He didn’t want me disappointed when i didn’t get that message back, but more that i was grateful when we were able to communicate. The first thing that came to mind was ‘ Who does this guy think he is!? trying to teach me a lesson i didn’t ask for, like seriously?!’ but upon reflection it made absolute sense.
A week or so later, during another deep discussion, we spoke more specifically about Time. A simple discussion that left me with my outlook challenged and a whole new perspective. I’ll write a full post on Time another day but in short, he helped me realise the value of it. We can all get so caught up on someone not giving us what we want, not having the time for us & in turn miss out on the true value of the time we do have. When someone gives you their time, know thats the most valuable gift you can be given. EVEN MORE SO, if they’re a busy person.
So, back to my initial comment, It’s true…
”I don’t want a someone who has time for me.” “I want someone who chooses to MAKE time for me.”
Someone who’s on their grind, pursuing their purpose.
Not someone who can offer themselves because theres nothing else to do, but someone who can offer themselves because theres nothing else they want to do. A situation in which i can value their gift of time & in turn they value mine. An exchange of non-refundable moments which is met with acceptance and gratitude.
Basically to summerize my ramblings – Appreciate the time you’re given & value the time you give. Accept another’s hustle & keep focus on your own. But please note, i am not saying allow someone to pie you off. If another refuses to make time for you – then know that you’re wasting yours.